


a heavy soul, a hopeful man

by emilia_kaisa



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Character Study, Feelings, Friendship, M/M, Not Beta Read, Relationship Study, a bit of sadness and a bit of happiness, as always i imply stuff, javi's character study, this is a mess honestly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-13
Updated: 2018-11-13
Packaged: 2019-08-23 08:40:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16615649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emilia_kaisa/pseuds/emilia_kaisa
Summary: They called him lazy and careless, and Yuzuru hated that. Javi always laughed and nodded, so people took it for the truth and joked about his self- awareness. But they couldn't see the bruises on his hips and knees and ribs, and couldn't see that him and Yuzuru were all the same, the only difference being that Javi could stop when he knew he had to.(aka another one of my relationship/character studies bc that's what they make me do)





	a heavy soul, a hopeful man

**Author's Note:**

> Idk how and why I wrote this and why am I even posting?? Anyway, this is another take on a relationship study I felt forced to write (yes I know I wrote a dozen of these already, I'll probably write another twenty)  
> Please note that English is not my first language but I'm really trying.  
> You might want to listen to [this song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wvE8L5njEok).  
> The style is kinda weird in this one but I kinda like it sooo I hope you enjoy!

 

The first time Yuzuru saw Javier Fernandez was in 2010, during Rostelecom Cup. _Saw_ was the right word, because they didn't exactly meet there. Their eyes met a few times and they shared polite, short smiles.

Yuzuru didn't think about him too much, but then the next season came and something changed. Javier had looked somehow different, with new coach by his side and more confidence in his whole silhouette. He also had a quad sal now, stabile and clean, and Yuzuru's stomach churned everytime he saw it.

It didn't take him a lot of thinking to decide he wanted to train in Toronto. To learn quad sal, get familiar with a feeling of intense rivalry; maybe find out what was hidden behind Javier's friendly attitude, because Yuzuru had a hard time believing it all wasn't a part of some act. But he didn't really care- he was going there to get better at skating, not at communication.

He met Nobu a few weeks before a big move, during some press event they were doing together.

„Canada, huh?” Nobu asked good- naturedly when they had a short break and Yuzuru shrugged.

„I need a new place to learn new things. I need to push myself harder.”

Nobu nodded silently and Yuzuru hesitated for a second before continuing.

„Javier Fernandez trains there too.” he blurted out and Nobu blinked rapidly before his face lit up with a smile.

„Good. You just might like him.” he said and Yuzuru frowned with confusion at that mysterious statement.

„How do you know?”

„We shared a coach for a very short time.” Nobu explained and Yuzuru suddenly felt a bit excited. Maybe now he would learn the truth about mysterious Javier Fernandez.

„How is he?”

Nobu fell silent for a moment and then shook his head slightly, his smile surprisingly gentle.

„Warm. Like the first day of spring.”

 

Yuzuru realized that Nobu was absolutely right.

Everything about Javier Fernandez was warm. His smile, his voice, his hands. Yuzuru learned very quickly that there was not an ounce of venom in him.

He was confusing Yuzuru so much, because instead of rivarly he got friendliness and encouragement. It wasn't what he had been expecting, but he took it, with an ease that was surprizing even him. So in no time Javier's warm smile and voice and hands were as familiar as the sound of his skates on the ice.

Javier Fernandez wasn't a mistery, but he still was kind of fascinating to Yuzuru. Javier seemed like he didn't care about his results, but there was always fire in his eyes when he stepped on the ice, and in those moments Yuzuru felt as if they were exactly the same, no matter what people said.

 

* * *

 

They called him lazy and careless, and Yuzuru hated that. Javi always laughed and nodded, so people took it for the truth and joked about his self- awareness. But they couldn't see the bruises on his hips and knees and ribs, and couldn't see that him and Yuzuru were all the same, the only difference being that Javi could stop when he knew he had to.

When it came to their personalities, it was true that they were different, but the space between them wasn't unconquerable. Yuzuru had never expected that to happen, the initially desired distance turning into something warm and familiar and precious.

Yuzuru felt good when Javi was around, because Javi was the only person who didn't expect anything from him. He didn't have any wishes, any demands, he didn't want Yuzuru's attention or words or time.

If he ever asked Yuzuru for something, it was to smile.

 

* * *

 

They called him honest and open, claimed that you could read him like a book.

Yuzuru used to think that too, but then 2014 came, rapid and overwhelming, first the Olympics and then worlds, the pressure to prove himself stronger than ever.

He won. And then, he stopped, and finally looked closely.

Yuzuru knew that Olympics had been hard for Javi, all the frustration and disappointment sitting on his shoulders; but Javi smiled and shrugged, and Yuzuru didn't read into it too much, taking it for granted.

But in Saitama he won the gold and Javi got bronze, and that was when he noticed.

Javi lied a lot. Small, white lies hidden behind his smile that wasn't as happy as it used to be.

_I'm fine. It's okay. I don't care. I'm not crying._

They barely had a time to talk those days; not that they hang out a lot in general, but Yuzuru always felt kind of unsettled if they couldn't exchange a smile and a greeting at least.

He finally caught Javi during the gala practice, grabbing his elbow and playing their own version of rock- paper- scissors. Javi laughed and smiled, but there was a shadow in his eyes that Yuzuru had never seen before, and his heart squeezed.

„Javi” he started tentatively when they were standing in the locker room, surrounded by loud, familiar chatter in multiple languages „How are you?”

„I'm okay, Yuzu.” Javier smiled at him, but Yuzuru didn't reciprocate it.

Javi was such a bad liar, Yuzuru wondered why no one seemed to notice that.

„You don't have to pretend with me.” he said quietly and Javi froze, almost dropping his towel. It was something Javi had told him some time earlier and what was sitting in Yuzuru's mind ever since.

Javi stared at him, wide eyed and stunned, and Yuzuru realized that it was the first time when he really showed interest in Javi's well- being.

They joked and laughed and helped each other get up after a fall, but they weren't friends, because the definition of what they were was far too complicated to be closed in that one word. But sometimes Yuzuru wished they could be something more, and that was one of those moments, stolen in a middle of one of so many locker rooms they shared through their careers so far.

Javi's face softened, a ghost of smile dancing on his lips.

„I will be fine.” he said quietly, and Yuzuru's heart clenched. Not really thinking, he reached and grabbed Javi's hand, squeezing it tightly. He would say so many things if he only could, but it would take him hours to express what he was feeling in his broken, stiff English.

He believed that actions spoke more than words anyway.

Javi's smile widened now, his eyes turning bright again.

„I guess you're stuck with me for the next four years.” he said, a familiar traces of teasing in his voice, and Yuzuru felt an overwhelming relief flooding his body for a moment.

„Only?” he asked and Javier outright grinned.

„Are you saying you'd miss me?”

He had no idea how much.

 

* * *

 

„You would think that olympic fail would cure his oversleeping.” muttered someone next to Yuzuru and he almost choked on the water he was drinking. He carefully looked on his left and saw two guys eating snacks and watching the other skaters on the ice.

Yuzuru followed their gaze and saw Javi, who was slowly getting up after what had to be a harsh fall.

He wanted to say something. To tell the guys to fuck off, preferably, but he just chugged the rest of his water in silence.

It bothered him, that people who didn't know anything were so quick to make assumptions. They would judge Javi's easy smile, but failed to notice shadows under his eyes; he didn't look like someone who slept for a day, more like someone who couldn't fall asleep before 3 am, when his restless mind would finally let him give in and get a few hours of rest.

Yuzuru knew how it was to battle demons, and he could easily recognize when someone was going through the same.

 

 

„I have something for you.” he said the next day, when they met in a locker room after practice.

„For me?” Javi tilted his head, a confused smile on his lips, and Yuzuru nodded fiercely. He fiddled with his bag for a moment before finding a small package.

„Here.” he said, handing it to Javi „Gift.”

„And what's that?” Javi asked, taking the package and examining it.

„Tea.” Yuzuru explained, shifting awkwardly under Javi's confused frown „Tasty. Very nice.” he stuttered and Javi smiled politely.

„Thank you!” he said and Yuzuru took a deep breath.

„Drink before bed. Good for sleep.”

Javi blinked, his smile fading away for a second, but before Yuzuru could start panicking about making things awkward, his face lit up again.

„That's nice of you. But you really think I need help with falling sleep?” he asked teasingly, like he always did when he didn't want to talk about himself. Yuzuru only tilted his head a little and watched him, until a few seconds later Javi's smile turned gentle.

„Thank you.” he said, softly, brushing his hand against Yuzuru's cheek „I'll try it tonight.”

Yuzuru smiled in response and nodded.

It was regular green tea and he was sure Javi knew it.

In the end, they didn't need words to tell each other that they cared about one another.

That's what they did, and that's what they were going to do, no matter what.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Like it? Hate it? Let me know in the comments and thank you so much for reading!


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